I guess I got discouraged posting here in bloggerland. I'd never admit in a billion trillion million years I like to hear back from people; Huuuh, gasp I need other people around? Is it very quite possible the world does not revolve around me, and anything I do? If something does revolve around me; I would most likely feel sorry for the revolving object...As I cannot submit and give and entirely be something--someone or anything who could be needed? I am just bummed no one thinks I have good thoughts or the wonderings I wonder--Other people wonder about too. No woman is an island. I am a serial blogger anyway with some friends I've known online forever. I've always been the type of person who writes SOLELY because it is in me to write. Not to provoke a response, or illicit a reaction. But, it is nice to hear from people. Probably like a lot of people I don't want to be envious and jealous and begrudge that others do get a great deal of responses to what they post. They are them. I am me. And people will be people there isn't anything wrong with that. On one blog...a friend asked me to be a guest blogger on her blog to write about things I know about. I was flattered and almost got a big head about it...But, then I realised 'What in the hell? I have my own blog page to post on. If people want to know about the things I write about...Than they can and they will.' And actually I got to be insulted that she would ask me to guest blog on her page. She knows quite well I have my own page. Maybe that is the wrong response; But it was how I felt for a little bit...And then I let it go. And I strive mightily to realise that this is the internet, this is online...I still live a whole life from behind this monitor and keyboard. While I remember the real world I also know what I post and write here has to be absolutely honest.
The only one it would hurt and harm and injure to misuse this tool....Is me. Because in all reality I know the truth about myself, what I think, what I feel about who or why or a situation. Who could I talk to, If I began to lie to myself? Who could I face, If I was dishonest with myself? At the same time I try to conceal true to life facts about where I live and such. Beause I am afraid of some deranged stalker or something.
And I have had stalkers in my life. It is hard to convince a sick person that you are not in love with them and you never will be. For two years I was afraid to even think, to leave my home, to say anything. I was overwhelmed by a sick person who 'Thought' they loved me. Now big clue here...if you THINK you love someone...it is a mighty big indication you do not. For love is not a thought...Love is not a part of the mind...Love is not rational and common sensical...It is a feeling in ones heart. If you forget someone you love...and have to force your mind to think and see their face...It is not a feeling of the heart where love sits and lives...The seat of the human soul. Love affects that which the mind cannot know. This man was absolutely convinced in his sick and ill mind he loved me. Well, for one, He did not know me. He could not know me. He and I had talked but he had taken those conversations out of context...And portrayed to the world there was something between us when in all reality there was nothing.
Love is knowlege, awareness and presence. He was not present with me at any one time to have a love. Yet, he haunted me and talked louder and to more people and convinced them and me..That for me to love him was in my best interests...So I would think if I didnt' love him...No one else would and could love me? I was not strong enough and courageous enough and wise enough to know this type of behavior and treatment in the name of love...WAS NOT love at all. Somehow I'd realised I was living in fear and it was called 'love' and I was losing myself to something I did not know and could not would not be. So when posting here I try to be care to not let people find me...So maybe it is my own fault no one responds to whatever I post...Maybe I am my own worst enemy? Anyway just some ramblings for a nice Friday afternoon....So good and and awesome to be here....You like totally rock, Dude.
