Path

With a question I am put on the path. I reckon I am not even to upfront with my own self. A friend asked me this morning, 'Are you dating?' And, I said, 'No.'

The end. Or so I thought. Till she said to me, 'Why?' My heart took over. And, my mind didn't get a word in.

I replied, 'I'm heartbroken.'

It is alright if I almost maybe tell myself this. Then, it might be real and true and something to it. When I say the words outloud, The words are like stone tablets. Carved into the fabric of my life and living. So, officially to myself and the rest of the world who ever might not never care, 'I am heartbroken.' I am on a path, on the trail, following the signs to the trailhead where a million, ba-jillion people have walked before me and will walk again...Yet, each one person blazes their own way down the 'Heartbroken path and way and trail.' I guess for me now, It is enough to be faced with a reality which could spin my head and heart around and round. Because, now I will go along the broken way. Thinking I am at the trailhead pointed into the direction where a broken heart must go. And, maybe I am farther along than I'd thought when I would not even tell myself I was heartbroken. So, There I am all over the damn trail and not going nowhere? Typical heart.

Men and women and God hisself has walked this trail, path and way. Yet, not any one of them could tell another---The way.

I see now, and understand why I've been listening to one song over and over. Alicia Keys, Never see me again.

I was so enamoured with this man I just wanted to hold him and touch him and be near him and look at him and listen to him. He even smoked cigarettes briefly so he could be with me. I knew perhaps the day might come when I would leave where we met and knew one another. I knew I had to hold him close to me every chance I could. Because, there would come a day I could not. I knew this for several reasons: The main one being God has the first and last word. So, as long as I was going to be near him, I wanted to hold him.

'Like it was the last time.'

I tried mightily to impart the same message to him when holding him. At the same time telling him, I would always hold him. Even when I could not in my arms. I'd hold him in my heart; If he would trust me to.

The last day came and went. My heart knew him better than either he nor I wanted. I am gone from anywhere he might not never see me. I will not call him; I don't call men. I reach out with my heart on a constant basis. Still daily I hold him in prayer. Still often he is the last thought before I drift into dreamland. So here I am at the fifth month mark of not knowing anything. I've held on to what my heart knew and held and felt. And, is it so, I have to throw it out, kick it down, and cast it far from me...So I might live in my life in my body and find a man to see again?

I don't want to think too far ahead. I just have to be brokenhearted now. Walk along the lonely way alone. Holding dreams of Jeromey loving me. Taking memories of hugs, touching, smiling, laughing, loving into me....And somehow let them burn. Look at the trailhead before the feet of my brokenheart. Look at the path and read the sign pointing with a Big Black Arrow>>>>Brokenheart Path.>>>>Brokenheart Trail.>>>>Brokenheart Way.>>>To All the Brokenhearted.

I will go the way of not being loved. I will walk the path of no man who loves me. Walk along alone in memory, In thought and dream...Of a man who could have loved me. I hold no bag in my hand with food. No pack with bedding, and any good kind of food. I walk along the broken way holding onto pieces of my broken heart. There will be bridges to cross. Bridges made of wood broken, cracked and creaking....There will be bridges to go under...Where something--Maybe even someone falls on me. There will be inclines to tread up...Steep inclines to stretch the muscles of my heart. And on the end of the upside of the path...A sweet and clear hill to run down....Feeling the Eastern wind blow forehead bangs to and from. Going to be on a trail. Walk along a broken path where no one could be.

My broken heart and me.

A path and trail and way where nothing is like it was and could be...Nothing is what it is supposed to be. The only sure thing is I loved.

Love does not love me.

The environment goes incredibly insane....And peaceful where no one thinks and imagines it could be. The beginning and the start. The first step at the sign of a place no one wants to go. I don't want to walk and take and see the signs and walk the path every broken heart must go....

There is no man there. No woman.

Who knows me.

And yet in simple conversation I tell myself and the world where I am.

My heart is broken. "I'm heartbroken."

A place no one could find me.

All the King's men and all the King's horses

For quite a few days now, I've been trying and striving mightily to tend to a broken heart. And I just don't know how I am going to make it through it, again. My heart is wounded and broken....Having been struck by love. Having been touched and comforted and loved. While now, no more it is. I have a wounded, sore and hurting heart. I am so hurt and where I didn't ever not want to be. My heart is broken. And, I do not know how to put it back togther again...'Fell off the wall' 'Had a great fall.' All the kings men and all the Kings horses couldn't put the heart together again. That'll teach me to fall in love again. I think like many people in the world maybe--I say, 'I'm never going to do that again. Ever.' and 'How could I be so stupid?' Kick yourself in the buttend. 'What was I thinking? I knew this was going to happen.' No matter what the words; The pain of a broken heart is constant. The sorrow of an ending love is one long dull ache which will not cease till, Perhaps it is good and ready too. If I knew a time, the pain, hurt and sorrow would end. I would just look forward to that and ignore the stages of the ending...Like, any good person would.

The world, and earth and men and women and people have a way of reminding one of a love which is no longer. In signs, and symbols...That are maybe nothing--But, the world speaks to a broken heart. I was in love with a man who has children....So, now I notice men walking with their children and it moves my heart to him...And, it hurts. Because he doesn't want me, anymore. I was in love with a man who drove a Toyota pick up...So, now I see a lot of Toyota pick ups and they stop me in my tracks...To feel my broken heart...Because, he doesn't want me anymore. I was in love with a man I used to hold and hug and want. He doesn't want me anymore. I've held on for a long time--In hopes he would come back to me. The cold hard reality is he won't. He doesn't want to. He hasn't.

There ain't no shortcuts, and no easy ways out of this. To get through this, I have to go completely through it. Feel the pain, hurt and loss of a good man in my life. For reasons I don't know, can't know and refuse to know. My heart is soo broken. I just want to be done with the horror of this feeling. I move into the sadness, and the sorrow and out of it. I move into maybe some anger, and hurt...Then, step back out of it. So at the end of one day...Sometimes I might be right where I started at, Not having progressed into any type of living, healing, forgiving...Strengthening. Whatever. But at every thought, meditation and facing the hurt and sorrow I have to ask myself, 'Do you really know what love is?' And, I think on those words and feelings. And, when I hold my broken heart in my hand I think of how the man I had loved must feel, also. How his heart must be wounded too. And, I commit his healing, power and strength to God the Holy Trinity. Then, a still small part tells me what love is....

And, my broken heart seeks to comfort the broken heart of the man I've loved...and little by little I feel tiny healings and dealings of

'All the King's men and all the King's horses.' As they try to put me together again.