Checking in

Since last I posted, I began to study Tai Chi and am not as disciplined with it as I could be. I do, however, think about it nearly every day. Spring quarter ended barely a week ago, and I've begun mindless t.v. viewing, voraciously reading and writing. A Catholic monk friend invited me to a Sacred Heart of Jesus Bible study. I think, it was done to keep me out of trouble? I was surprised he remembered me and took the time to invite me. I took my first ever Humanities Women's Studies class, and wow was that ever interesting. For the millionth time since I met him, I am leaving the love of my life and my death. You know, the one person out of the trillions who possess' your heart, soul, mind and body. You know, the one person in the world you love so deeply and are connected so closely when you pray for his safety, well-being and health--the prayer adds to your life too. I took an Astronomy course, and oh man. Talk about drowning in a sea of God's good creation. I went to the library yesterday, to arm myself with some more books to tide me over awhile. Schindler's List, The Selected Letters of Lord Byron and Last Standing Woman by Winona LaDuke. Pretty serious topics, I should have gotten a comic to pull me out of the sadness, frustration and hurt of it! I am so enjoying Lord Byron's thus far, what a fascinating writer of letters. If only I could be 1/4 as good a writer! Well I'll check back in, in three or four months......

What keeps me busy and away.....

107 to 106 tonight in overtime....Yeah beat the Denver Nuggets.

Quick and brief note

I had two Betta fish: Humbert Humbert and Lolita. AKA, Hum and Lo. Humbert died about a month ago; and it's been just Lo-fish and I.  I will be buying another Humbert soon. There cannot be one without the other. I am considering a pet cat. I would love to have a furry animal, that purrs and curls up next to me to watch the Food Network or re-runs of Criminal Minds. I've not felt the least tiny bit inspired to write poetry; my life is quite a bore. It seems, to me any way. I get up, go to campus where I read, write and read and write some more. I have been reading a lot of good poetry and literature, as of late. John Milton's Lost in Paradise and the Best of Dylan Thomas. Neither one of them fail me; they keep me entirely entertained 110%. I also feel like a baby, a child and complete and total novice, idiot writer next to those two master writers.

I am working on falling out of love; and it is proving to be very hard, difficult if not impossible to do. This poor unfortunate man I met over a year ago on campus. I knew instantaneously without seeing his face I would love him.
And I do, or did or will or something.
I went to get an espresso drink today at a place he and I have been to on several occasions. I felt an ache; a hurt, a sorrow, a longing from deep within for him. For his face, his conversation, his smile. To just be near him once more. If I trusted him to not break my heart, I'd go back in a flash.

But he's just going to hurt me. Better to be away and learn to live as I am, than venture into his sorted world. Who wants to feel hurt? Know such pain? Not me. I've seen a few other men here and there. It is nice to be wanted, to be desired.  I know deep down my heart has been removed from my chest; my love, and every flame or hint or glimmer of maybe even 'liking' or being 'attracted' to some man is gone. He stole my heart entirely; and I don't see him in any hurry to return it. Odd and strange as it is, I've not seen nor talked to him in over a month. Yet, some how on the inside of the remnants of my heart, traces of dreams left on me as I wake. I feel like I've always been with him; will always be with him. Where ever it is I am; he is. What ever it is I do; or he does. I am rambling, I'm sick and probably getting to some kind of delerious from sneezing, stuffiness and a headache. What a comparison that is: physically ill or love. Ha ha ha ha ha snort giggle laugh.
Whatever.

Sam I am

You cannot have me, and another lover. It cannot be done. You cannot love me from a far;
from here
nor there. Not
with a goat; or a mouse. On a boat nor in a house. 

You have to take me 
entirely, completely and fully within. You are not a welcome observer. Not an invited guest. Your luke warm love for me
has created inside of my heart
an awful mess. I have to remind myself every single day; you don't love me. Not, how I know of love to be. 
Singl-ly.
Whole-ly.
When I am at my best performance. 
Or at my very worst:  mean, impatient or annoyed.
I know love, to be fully present, to be fully aware. I know love, to not be afraid. You don't love me; you probably never did. 

Go away; leave me be. 
Walk off and turn your back to me. 
Your love destroys and kills. 
Buries, hides and covers.....Your love loves me.