Forgiveness is truly a divine trait one cannot learn to do on their own. Imagine for a second, picture in your head a pool of crystal, clear, cool water....It is still and serene and reflects the light of goodness. A light of warmth, radiant and inviting. Yeah, it is probably beautiful to behold and bask in for a moment or two. It is what is beneath the surface of such beauty, one should be concerned about. The dust, dirt and things which had floated, and settled onto the floor. The wounds, injuries, and hurts of a person's life which can muck it up, create a bumpy uneven ground hidden in the dark, under the surface.....the things left undone, words otherwise left unsaid and actions done or accepted which went by unforgiven.....
Today, life threw a rather huge, solid, heavy and grand stone into my pool of water....and, it asked for forgiveness. Yet, in the pool of my existence the water had become murky, the dirt, dust and debris---skeleton's and dry bones kicked up....left me feeling uncomfortable, and frantic within.
I was faced with two options:
Forgive. Then clean the pool of water in which my life blood, and power exists. Or, I could let myself sink to the bottom into the unforgiving depths of bitterness, anger, disgust, and breathe in water and drown. When a few small movements could set me free. A deliberate effort could allow for life; and life more abundantly.
I am quite sure I didn't pull to the surface on my own; I must have let something go and naturally floated to the top....and, the rock-stone-BOULDER which had been thrown into the pool of my existence was not so heavy...the water had accommodated, shifted, given and taken...into itself...and, adjusted...the stone was not so heavy...and, the water which had been crashed, cut and dropped into rippled....and, it was from
forgiving the boulder......
Ripples would echo, replicate, duplicate and multiply to move and speak of more and more and more and more and more forgiving which must be done...which must be said...which must be seen...which must be heard. Life is not a dress rehearsal. There are no automatic 'do-overs.' I had been stupid and ridiculous to be angry at my little sister for such a long amount of time. The anger, bitterness, pride and judgment had worked well to divide us--as if we were and could be two different people. When we are cut from the same cloth; of the same house. When one cannot forgive, love and honor those in their own house...Those closest to their hearts....they cannot fully be capable of doing it for other people they manage to stumble upon in life.
When I moved, Not entirely on my own nor through my own power...but because of grace.....to forgive my sister I took her to me, to tell her she is not alone. A forgiving heart tells people they are not alone. I love my little sister; it was a long time coming. Perhaps even long past due; but with forgiveness being divine and all...God is outside of time...and if he is outside of time and moves our hearts within time...than, we do things on his time....when he knows we are ready to have a stone thrown into our pools of existence...to stir up the floor of our hearts...kick up the dust of our lives...our pasts and presence...all at one time! I floated, swam and tread water smooth and sweetly for a little while....Till it's time to dive to the depths again.
I know you love me as much as your heart allows you too.
It is gentle, and sweet as a cool morning dew. I know the sweetest, purest dreams of being in love
can hardly be when reality and realism
force one to be
tough.
I know that look inside your eye
the strength of emotion you cling to
grasp and
clutch close to your chest
To meet, adore and fall in love with you
was easier than anyone could guess
The heavens and it's mysterious ways blessed you and I with so many
numbered days.
We filled each with wonders, warmth and laughter.
We captured, reined in and squeezed every second-minute and hour
as it were made for you and alone......
How it is to love you; if I weren't a girl in love with a boy
I might dream of being a star...shining down bright in all of darkness--from the love you poured
into me
I might dream of being a wild flower with all it's glory of color
from which you painted onto me
I might dream of being a dream...I might dream of being a bird
free, high up in the sky, soaring on the edges of the world
where love, life and death exist
where hope, desire, and the things Gods are made of
live....altogether
forgiveness, purity, holy, sacred, sweet
complete
as ever....
Had I loved you? Would I have tried? Had I wanted You?
You can't give to me, what I desire most.
Our love a ghost...a memory. A thing of the past....it all went by far too fast.
And how I loved you; how I adored and treasured you.
You are just a man, in a messed up world
Watching a girl
in love with you...OH the heartbreak poem, the heartsick story
the wounded, limping and gimping remnants of a woman who had loved
a woman who had cherished.....I knew you would love me
as much as
your heart would allow you
too.
I knew in the final days we would
remain a
separate
two.....I loved you anyway; I couldn't help myself.
I didn't want to.
Although, I knew you would only love me as much as your heart
would allow you to.
A heartbreak dance; where ever shadows of love knew of chance.
Shattered, broken, torn apart---What is there left within such as a wounded heart?
Numb, indifferent....silent and still
Love gave life all of it's power; all of it's will.
Dance a dance to the same tune
look within...at the ruins...battered, scarred left standing in the wake of
loving and it's awesome power.
The world is off kilter; something in the age old trees, and bumblebees
has been adjusted
re-fitted
mended and and sealed. In good time all wounds can be healed.
I knew there might come a day when you would tear my heart to shreds. I knew there might be a time---Because, of what I feel for you I would sit alone to cry. I knew without a shred nor fear of saying so
You could tell me, "No."
I loved you anyway. I couldn't help myself; I didn't want to. I took a step close and closer.
I moved the heavens.
I moved the earth.
I knew, whatever it took and however it went
It would be more than the richest diamonds and gold were worth. I loved you anyway.
As the days come and pass on by, in my sadness over you time stands still on the inside. The hurt I feel of losing you...I cannot hide. I cannot deny, I cannot bury. I cannot pretend nor act it away....I would have loved you
anyway.
The hearbroke, heartbroken, heartsick and wounded blues
the dance
the tune
how is it I don't know what to do? Don't know what to sing, what to hum...or how to step a living dancing step.
I am the emptiest woman without you.
Spinning, turning, whirling
hear the music, feel the noise
dance the heartbreak dance
Sing the heartbroken song
I would have loved you anyway.
I loved you anyway.
I could have loved you anyway............
He cannot ever love me; in the way I want him to. He could
love me back; he gathered my affections and placed them into a
golden-dreamwoven sack.
He cannot see my face, and the depths and breadths of the
most faithful heart. He can't do it, he isn't built that way.
Unrequited, uninvited, unignited...
bare, desolate and covered...where for a moment or two
the sweetest attentions hovered.
Veiled, hidden and kept tucked away. I will take away my heart
and it's undying love to give some other way, On another day. Has love unreturned, a love known, a love coveted in the tiniest bit
ever truly wasted? Ever really lost to not be glimpsed again?
He cannot return my heart with it's holy sacred dreams. He cannot look and be attracted to my natural womanly form. He wasn't made that way.
A war, a battle raging-stirring-blurring. Hot and heated, far and reaching...fair and just.
A dream of loving him---has turned to a ghostly dust. He cannot love me back. His heart can only go so far. He cannot touch my face, my heart goes into hiding. My love returns to it's hidden, it's safe and secret chamber----for it is reserved for those most sacred of relationships and he isn't built that way. HE cannot love me, on any different-new or old kind of day.
Lower the veil over my face, and hide my eyes....he cannot look upon the softness of my skin
he isn't made that way. Lower the veil and cover my ears, lower the thin-delicate and fragilest of cloths....
my life, my love, my eternity
my heart's been lost.
