Cost

Could you love someone
if you knew they were going to just break
your heart?
Could you want, and hold onto someone if you saw
into the future
and knew they would one day leave?
If you knew without a doubt; without a fear a day would come
they would rip your beating heart from your
chest
they would take
your best.
Then, drop your hand and walk away? Would you love them anyway?

If you could see as clear as day,
the time would come
they would turn their backs to you
and walk away.
Could you love them? Would you try?
Or would you let the opportunity to love
.....pass you by.
If you knew there would come a second, a minute and a bewitching hour
when life, and being left alone...
would steal your heart away to be devoured

to rip it, burst it, stamp and stomp on it with steel toed boots.
to flatten it, run it over, break and shatter it
would you still love someone who can't love you
back?
Would you take unto yourself
love
and carry it inside a golden sack?

Love is not for the weak of heart...not for the faint and easily scared. Love is not supposed to be known...it is one of life's greatest mysteries
grandest stories
biggest secrets
largest gifts
the worlds have yet

In it is held, still much more to give.

If you can't love;
You can't live. If you have no heart to love from and with, you have nothing to give.
If you measure and weigh, chart and map and
attempt
to confine the powers of love
be prepared to pay an inflated cost.
For the love you think you have...
may already be lost.

Could you love someone who will one day make you cry? Could you love, and want and care for someone
who may not ever love you back? Would you have the courage? Be brave?
to open your heart to someone who will one day break it.
One day cause you pain
would you let your love fall anyway
as natural and free
as Springtime rain? Would you love them anyway?

Good girl

Like a good girl I hopped up out of bed this a.m., put on the delicate pink tea kettle for hot water for coffee, swept the damn floor and laid down new rugs! This house where I live is so beautiful the floors are all wooden. It could stand soft, color and warm. I of course, readied myself and took myself to the Holy Mass. It is chilly and gray in NE Portland today; I am doing Income Tax Law homework Argghh. Yesterday, I was a very good Catholic girl; and went to confession. It was nice, it is important to me to get things out, reflect and roll on....as they say. I try to go to confession regularly as to even think bad thoughts...TO ME is sinful. They say you are what you think. I want to be a compassionate, forgiving and a positive force in the world. A true to earth one, who thinks good thoughts. I've been wondering about having emotions for people; and how it is easy to feel good emotions for someone you know, who treasures you.
A true test of being loving is to love someone you know is going to hurt you; who is going to break your heart. Someone you see no future with, someone you know is going to leave you in the wind....and you love them anyway. Pppppbbbttt I truthfully am not that brave, and courageous.
You know how they say 'if you love someone set them free.' I am not that gracious nor kind in the least. I generally let people go at the first sign injury might be inflicted upon my already wounded and injured heart. I dismiss them, like the poor bloke is a soldier in my private army. Loving someone who loves you is easy; loving someone you know is going to squash your every moving part into smithereens is a lot harder...But, it begs the question, 'Is love given truly wasted?' I've always believed some where some how....it was not the case, that love whether returned or burned or squandered did not depreciate by an unwelcoming receiver. At least I always thought I believed that.

The Spring term is coming to an end; and I am tired and feeling the crunch of it. Yet, I don't think I've ever been as happy as I did feel this term. I absolutely love this literature stuff I've been doing. We are reading Hamlet right now; and I'm going to look into more and more William Shakespeare. I want to look for a book on the Sonnets. I woke up this morning with a nagging feeling that something was coming. I think I'm still waiting. I haven't heard much from my sister or daughter; we text each other a million times a day! I haven't heard from any of my friends either? I think I'll fire them...immediate dismissal, Don't even clean out your work area!
It's a thought?

People politics

I abhor people and their sagging, dragging egos who push their political behaviors onto other people. There is nothing I hate worse than when people are ineffectual, and spineless. Those who cannot see the larger picture. I don't get involved in a lot of things because of people politics. The things people leave unsaid, and lie by omission. Their behaviors....smiling-shaking hands-talking sweetly and move in for what looks like a hug--Meanwhile, their hands hold an ice pick, or pointy sharpened object of which to stab you right in the freaking back with.
WHATEVER.
People with cynicism, control issues, an inferiority complex and lack of sight of a larger picture beyond them...Do not ever cease to amaze me. I recover quickly from being mis-treated in a political arena. Because, I have no fear. I bear no ill will upon folk who derail, and manipulate. It is in the final moments of their life's light they will reap. I always keep that in mind; A grudge is perhaps the heaviest thing a heart could carry.
Chief among this though is people who are incompetent and ineffectual. I hardly believe what people say to me from a group setting they were in. As, it is always bent to suit their vision, idea and stained-tainted and smudged with their personal opinions and beliefs. I could go to a meeting with a person and we would come out to share something..In two complete different styles. I find some folks willy-nilly spineless puppet behavior disgusting to my very senses.
I find it even more disgusting those people who go completely out of their way to not work with someone who challenges them~~~A little bit, to be even more abhorrent. The two political people behavior styles are made one for the other; And, leave a lot of other people deadlocked in a mediocrity of sorts.
I hate people politics. Politics itself is an elected place with votes and such. Tally's and speeches and lobbying....I am a traditional Native American indigenous woman who belongs to house of nobility. My place in the world is written in blood which can not ever be changed. No one could be elected, appointed nor seated into my position within my familie's house. I have a specific role, place and it is a privilege and honor to hold it. Even when and if I ever marry my position and role is still mine and cannot be usurped. People politics are only as good as the person's heart you are dealing with. Jaded? Cynical? A little, maybe.
Irritated and annoyed, Yes.

Love-Hate

Things I hate.....Bicyclists who ride without safety helmets.
One real intelligent man on a bike, without said helmet decided to squeeze between a transit bus as it pulled away from the curb and a moving vehicle already on the road? Why?
Negative, pessimistic readers who are sure what they read has been written all wrong. Readers who always KNOW and understand great stories and plays by Nabokov and Shakespeare better than the authors? Gimme a break?
Things I hate.....Not getting my chopsticks with my meal; And, having to wait and look at my food patiently. As my stomach makes growls which sound much like a grizzly bear. Drinking pop or juice with a straw. Don't understand the straw? Folks who don't treat elders with respect. This is so important I once threatened to throw down with a grown man since he raised his voice at an elder, "I don't know how you treat your elders; But, we don't do that to our's. Do it again and we're going to step outside."
Seeing mothers with children, who do not barely look nor know what their baby is doing...
Pet peeves....a tea kettle not full to the brim with water. Wrinkly clothing......drinking warm water.....gals or girls who dare flirt with a man I am with........Sure fire way to get a punch in the mouth. I absolutely abhor people who interrupt conversations.

Things I love
to smell roses
to eat popcorn with a lot of butter and salt on it
a cup of hot coffee with creamer in the a.m.
a bright, clean white t-shirt
to wake up, sit quietly and read....
a hot fatty steak
a handsome man to trade ideas with
Shakespeare, Vladimir Nabokov, Tennyson, Poe
almost any classic literature
Responsible, safe people
Polite and patient folk
Any music with a steady rhythm while running
Slow sweet classic music when soaking in a tub
Wind chimes
candles
laughter of children
A mother with a whole bunch of kids in tow....She knows and sees every single one of them. Holding closely, tucking in hats, looking them in the face...
things I love to see
an artist creating
Friends laughing
old couples shopping together....knowing one another as only an old couple could

people eating alone
children learning
Smelling roses.....things I love
things i love
things i love
things i love
things i love

The Pair

It is always nice to find yourself a part of something; When, from deep within yourself you know you are a part of a pair. In the creation days, where I am identified with and from we were created from Wolves. God was here, saw two wolves and said to himself, "They mate for life, they are always together." and, he put his creation hand upon us.
When the world was good. When man was good.
Christ like people say it is rubbish, and not true. For hundreds of years the world and the people over have tried to beat it out of us, Starve it out, Stomp and stamp it out. Ignore it, deny it and hide it.
It is embedded deep within. Ingrained, and intrinsic, molecular even. I've always wondered why a lot of the time, I understand Holy Scripture on a different level than most people. For instance in the book of Genesis where it says, "It is not good for man to be alone." I understood that, like nothing. Yet, I think there is a time when a person is truly ready, and serious about settling down in the world and staking out their claim. I've not ever felt a calm, serenity and need before lately to truly make a room for an 'us' and a 'we'. I've not ever even thought of such a thing? It is funny, how on a very base level people respond to the invisible, powerful, sensual signal of a heart longing to stop, a spirit which yearns for the rest of itself....and then somehow you just know when you get there. When you see him. Some how you just feel it, see it and it is every where you are at....
That even when you are apart from each other
Some how on a whole different level you are
still altogether one.
Like, you have traded parts and pieces of yourself
Nothing, no where and no how nor no one
could separate or come between.

It is a most natural feeling. More real than nothing. More live and living than an energy known. Precious and bright as a diamond stone......

No Kingdom to behold

I've been pondering this post for awhile, now. Here goes. I am a princess; My daddy adored me. I was talking to a girlfriend about this the other day; And, how it can be difficult to find a gentlemanly-gentleman. And-guess-the-hell-what? One such a man fell across my path. He carries my book-bag, opens doors and helps me to put on my coat! OMGosh, I thought men like him, went the way of the dinosaurs....It is so nice, sweet and polite I don't know how to take it? A handsome, laid back, intelligent, sweet and polite gentlemanly-gentleman. I am a princess---My daddy doted on me, and adored me all of my life. He supported me and was with me in whatever venture I undertook. To find a man in life, to even barely compare to this
I think to be impossible.
Alas, hope has been served. In Shakespeare we got kind of deep into some reflection and psychoanalyzing. Since we wrapped up 'The Merchant of Venice.' We discussed projection; And, how it applies in this play to the characters Antonio and Shylock. Which further we delved into how we as people (great scholarly minds?) find ourselves in the same cycle of relationship with the same type of person bringing about the same kind of ending. I haven't been in a serious relationship in awhile. I've been running, hiding and avoiding it forever. Yet, inevitably I find myself more often than not attracted to some poor sap of a man who can not meet those warmth, tender needs. The ones I have left vacant in the death of my Daddy.
Why is that? And is it just weird to me? I know I need to be adored, and treated with care, kindness, affection and tenderness. I know, it is what I want? Yet, I go completely out of my way, off of my beaten path, in search of the one man who cannot respond to me. Respond to me in the way I need him to be able to. Logic says maybe I really-truly don't want to be in love; If, I cant' get to what I really truly want....Because of something that I do...than, it has to be because I truthfully don't want it. Sometimes I think I'm doing alright; Or better, than usual in choosing men to be around and with.
Yet, one more time, I have discovered and been spending time with a man who could not be any more different than me, EVER. As different as night and day; Polar opposite as snow flakes and sun rays. More distance between us than the span between Sarah Palin and her brain (I couldn't resist). I am as carnivorous as a person could possibly be. I go to the Sunday Mass every week and am reverent toward being a good catholic girl. The greatest thing for he and I is, we are made of the same thing on the inside. Are aware of the people around us; And, truly care about treating people in a good manner--What is right and just. And the state of the world.
I am not bothered by his not eating meat; If he doesn't mind I have to have a big-fatty medium rare steak on occasion. He is an Atheist, and that suits him. His relationship with who and where he goes when he dies is his business. Not mine. If it were more serious, I might be concerned. We're not picking out China patterns for crying outloud. We are two grown adults whom find enjoyment in one another's company. As it progresses, and we look ahead and move forward maybe there will be a time and place to think on it more. I've not ever hidden the fact, I couldn't be serious about any man if he were not Catholic.
There was a point to this all; But, I seem to have lost it. Something along the lines of being my own worst enemy. How the heart has it's reasons of which there is no reason. Mostly, I think it is I just really miss my daddy. I miss him so much. I used to call him every day, "Hi daddy. What you doing Pop?" How I miss him. How I miss being loved, adored and thought the world of...believed in, cared about.

This post had nothing at all to do with princesses, and love and unavailable men...I am a princess with no court, no castle, no kingdom to behold.....

Would I be so brave

I've got butterflies in my stomach
....flutter, flutter, flutter. I feel excited
I feel afraid and nervous too.

Is this what attraction and infatuation are supposed to do to a girl?
I rose before the sun this a.m.---You make me not want to miss a thing.

I changed my shirt three times; And, looked in the mirrors over ten times.
looking from behind, and sideways...from the front to.
I can't catch my breath....
Is my make-up on alright?
How about my hair? Oh my gosh.

the time is almost here. When you will be close.
When you will be near.
I got goose bumps....under my long sleeved pink sweater...I feel tingly, spindly...can't slow the beats of my heart.
I will be so happy to see you; I won't know where to start. I am writing bad poetry, feeling kind of silly.

when the moment comes would I be so brave? When the time comes will I notice? You might not really like me....
It is quite possible, I am not the girl you want to see.
Such torture, such agony....Feel excited
feel nervous and scared.
Wonder what will become of you
of me.
Where will this new friendship lead us to be?
I knew the moment you sat next to me
I knew the second you closed in on my empty chair....I seen you outside of the corner of my eye. You said nothing.
You looked at me. You looked to me. Your heart saw through me

like so much as through a window...BY a window
pane.
through and out
and over again....

Now months, and seasons later....attraction-fidelity-friendship taking it's own sweet time....Of a clock no man could know...
Tick tick tick....flutter, and dream of a heart sweetened by desire; Burning, flaming
On fire.
Every sense at every level...on highest alert. Oh, my gawd, I don't want to be hurt.

What is going to happen? Will you smile and laugh with me today? Does love, attraction and infatuation have such rules, guidelines...and, secret little tricks?

Butterflies in my stomach. Goose bumps on my arms....Feeling tingly
spindly
eyes darkened with an intense passion....
Oh my, what is going to happen? How will it happen?
Who and where and why.
Is he going to make me cry?

Charging Bulls

Well it is another day, And I am pooped out tired. I and a girlfriend from college took in some consumer therapy...Uh, yeah, we went shopping! This beautiful house I live in was in need of attention and care. I bought a big beautiful neutral type rug that is by the front door...It has big dark leaves on it. Two beautiful red, striped place mats for the room-mate and my places at the table; Kitchen towels, A beautiful purple bathroom rug and a step garbage can for the bathroom too.

Then I cleaned up. For nobody ever being home, the expansive all wood floor sure gets to being dirty. The room mate likes to eat toast, so there's always a little crumbs to wipe up, BOTH of our French press decanters sat full of coffee grounds? He has taken to moving onto the other side of the counter away from my French press area? Which, I don't get. But, I don't have to, I'm sure it is no big deal.

I could see a fight looming in the horizon as we sat to share the Sunday paper, and chat. He was at his spot on the table, I was lying on the couch with a Vladimir Nabokov in my hands....and, I was just too damn tired to fight with him over something ridiculous. I put my hand on my forehead and was like, "No. I'm not going to do this." I stood up gathered my book & fuzzy lap throw, went to my laptop began to shut it down and once that was complete sent myself to my room. Where I put on a movie, turned out the lights and crawled under my fuzzy blankets and let out a big sigh to drift off into the nighttime stars and dream.

I've started to run again; And, I was feeling a good tired. This a.m. I woke up super early in an effort to clear out before he came home from his girlfriends house. I didn't need to see him. He didn't need to see me neither.

Although, it can be rough for me and F., when we have good moments they are very good moments. But, man can we fight. It is nice, to add life to this beautiful house with Lolita and Humbert the Betta's on the mantle...the color in the rugs, and place mats. Maybe, all this house needs is a little bit of warmth. Come to think of it, maybe I should have bought a calm and soothing color for the place mats? Like a mellow blue, or neutral tan? The last thing F., & I need is a vibrant red passionate place mats? Good Gawd, we are already like charging bulls at each other?

I spent time with a friend from campus today; Who was so gentlemanly! He carried my book bag, opened the doors and was fun to be around. What a shot in the arm compared to the stuff I keep putting up with from home? A man who was going to be considerate, polite and nice to me. My daddy was a gentleman to the core. I was a princess...He treated my mother like a queen. He gave her anything and everything it could be never and a lifetime for me to ever find someone like him....For me. My momma always said there wasn't another like him. Could she be right?

There was a mid-term in Law Ethics tonight. I think I might have done quite alright. I spent the day with the department head, Creating and re-creating a flier for an event the Paralegal club will have. I cannot believe how many times he made me change it? For crying in the soup. I am starting to feel comfortable in this beautiful house. I am so tired right now I better get to bed. I wanna wake up early to sit quietly to finish reading Lolita with my morning cup of coffee....Tomorrow could be a good day! Today was for the house. It got some tender loving care. It could be a home some time. What do you think?

The Agenda for today.

I am actually a quite boring, and uninteresting person. I am drinking my a.m. coffee, read some Lolita and will ponder the state of my soul before taking my badself to the Holy Mass. I slept sound; But, somehow over the course of the night I heard the phrase, "Hakuna Mattata." I am sure, that is not the right spelling, but it is a sweet phrase from some popular Disney children's film. The room-mate and I do not get along. It is disturbing to me. He comes home from his gf's house and I don't know what she does to him, but he comes home with the worst language. And, I don't curse. My daddy didn't curse. My family doesn't curse. Unless I am REALLY angry than I will swear. But, not often. My words of choice are Filthing.....Flarring...Flarring...fudgings...
I cringe when he comes home and lays down the F word, and the S word and an A word too. He and I fight so much; I would not ever want to see anyone like him. He is bossy; And, minimizes everything I do. I wish he could see how forceful he is, and how kind of mean he is. Sometimes people need to take a good look at themselves. I know when I see my bad traits...It bothers and disturbs me enough to change.
I blow people off; And, dismiss people. I want to not do that. Well I have to get to getting ready to go to the Holy Mass. It is gray and cold in NE Portland. I've got some homework I have to finish up too. I think I'll look up the phrase
Hakuna Mattata...to make sure of what it means.

The two fish

Listening to Trisha Yearwood, "I've been living on the wrong side of memphis....Yeah....these cowboy boots. Oh yeah." I spent the afternoon with an old friend of mine. She's a wonderful lady, we worked together for about a year. She has a contagious laugh. She loves to laugh; And, is a positive person to be around. IT wasn't so great when we worked together though; She likes to talk. And, I am a very private person (as I post this on a blog?). We have a lot of fun when we get together. A girlfriend shopping afternoon; We went to a shopping center, craft store, sat and had a latte and then to another store and finally out for lunch....and managed to hit up a few garage sales! It is about that time of year, when everyone is having garage sales. I like, to go to them mostly because I am nosey about people. You can tell a lot about people when they have their belongings on display to sell. What kind of effort they put into it; How they are with other people and you know stuff like that.

And the saying is true, one person's cast off is someone's treasure. I went out and bought two Betta fighting fish today too! I really love this house I live in it is a beautiful home. But, there isn't a lot of color or life to it. The room-mate is generally here in the daytime hours; I am the lady of the house during the nighttime. The fish are beautiful, a pink-ish one and a dark blue one! The blue is Humbert Humbert, and the pink is of course Lolita.......Lo, Dolly, Dolores on the dotted line.

We have gotten into a comfortable routine, mostly. I've been very nice about not fighting with the man. Because man, forever that is all we did. For some damn reason he came home this a.m. in a bad mood. I had to say something. He laughed at me; But, now I think he is ignoring me again? OMfreakingGosh.....I hope I am wrong.

I get up real early to sit with my cup of hot coffee and a book. He comes home, with the newspaper, we split it and visit awhile. I am not much of a morning person; I thought I was till I seen how much of one the room-mate is? I get up early because I need that little bit of silence with my cup and thoughts before I start talking to folks. IF I don't get it and get pushed out of my shell too soon and fast

I get grumbly.

It's been a long time since I've had fish! I am excited, they are so pretty. It is nice to have something live in this house. Gees, I kind of got nailed on the first paper I did for this Shakespeare class I am in. I got a real good grade on it; But, those little writing quirks I have I was nailed on every single one! I haven't seen a paper marked in such a fashion as it was since I was in freaking high school. It is obvious and clear to me, Mr. Monotone voice-No movement from the waist up-Man has been a disciplined writer....Sheesh.

"I've been living on the wrong side of Memphis....Full tank of gas...these cowboy boots getting kinda restless...they ain't got a thing to lose...."

Yeah

I've been living on the wrong side of Memphis....Cowboy boots...rhinestone suits....