Good old Julio

When I was a younger lady, My daddy had his favorite music to listen to in the car as we would take summer trips. We made fun of he and my mother and her taste for Rod Stewart...We were barely teens...For crying in the soup. My dad really liked, Conway Twitty, Dolly Parton and Julio Iglesias. This a.m . after leaving Frank at the breakfast table, where we've been meeting consistently I got to thinking about former boyfriends. Because, for some odd and strange reason Frank and I confessed our issues, over his oatmeal. On my way to campus I thought about the poor men, who've been loved by me....And good old Julio swooned into my mind 'To all of the girls I've loved before....' My dad liked it, he listened to it while we traveled in the car. We were hostages, so I learned the damn song. I found myself confessing to Frank my inability to have any kind of relationship with a man because I am 'emotionally unavailable.' To which he replied, 'Oh, that is the shit. I wish I had that one.'
Oh, if he only knew.
It is a survival mechanism more than anything; I get tunnel vision, focused on a goal and am quick to dismiss people who have not helped me to move forward. I don't give second chances very often; As, a result of this unavailability. I dismiss people as if I were a captain, general or colonel in the armed forces. The only man to get so close to my heart is my dad. I've screwed up and lost some potentially good relationships because of this behavior. And, I don't really have anyone to blame for mine being alone, But myself. I actually feel badly for the men I've left behind in my wake. Some of them truly touched my heart. I attempt often, to minimize or soothe my conscience by saying to myself and my sisters....(Probably even a shrink or two.) "It isn't like I didn't tell them what could happen. One day I would just check out, and that would be the end. No going back." Like their being aware somehow lessens the blow of such cold and callous behavior on my part. I've gotten this far in life because of my ability to make quick decisions about how and where people stand in my life. I like, to believe and it could very well be untrue that if someone, A man truly was meant to be the one, or the right one...or was sent by the relationship Gods, A part of me, I can't deny would automatically know. I hope so. Because, I gotta hope. I gotta believe in something. One such a man was, Jeremy. I had grown to love Jeremy dearly. He and I worked at our friendship, relationship whatever in the hell it was. It came about for all of the wrong reasons, He and I were wounded-battered and injured people who had all but giving up on any goodness of love.....Then, one day I left and never looked back. But, it is alright, Right? 'Cuz I told him, it is what could happen?
Good old Julio....'to all of the men I've loved before...' something something something something