A little vulnerability.

Well, I am fast approaching, the end of Winter semester and very excited. Although, there is only a week off before Spring, begins. I could use a few days of sleep. I am attached to things at home, I stream my favorite radio station from home in Port Angeles online. It reminds me of waking up at my old house, putting on a pot of coffee, showering, wandering around my little creaky floor house with slippered feet, Getting ready to go to work.
It reminds me of blue skies, sunshine, and the tiny birds sitting outside peeking into the windows of my house.
It reminds me of happier times. It reminds me of having been in love; Having been loved. Couples are funny. The dj's at The Beat talked this a.m. about a former gf or bf who has moved on. How, it can hurt. I have little crushes now and again; But, I don't think it's been a lot of times I've loved a man. The image of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Mr. & Mrs. Smith is by far my favorite. It is what I think a good relationship should be like.
A man whose got your back. A man whose back you've got. You and him against the rest of the big-bad world. But, I'm noticing a trend; Men are needier than women are, in that aspect. In my lifetime there were a few or three men who have had my back; In great-grave times of need. I loved them, Fiercely. It is when someone knows you well enough, to know, something is going to hurt. Or, someone who has hurt you. This type of love and devotion is hard to come by. Since, I am about 1/2 way through my degree program I am not much looking for a relationship. I am trying to develop a good one with myself. When, it comes right down to it.
In the very final-final end I will die all on my own. I came into this world with and on my own. I have to be comfortable with myself. (And, when I die. I wanna die with my boots on.)

I have to be able to Entertain myself. I kind of thought about this in a flash-brief-weird aha moment. I was walking into the kitchen to put something in the sink. I whispered something to myself. I stopped, and said aloud, "Why am I whispering?"
Was I afraid I would wake myself up? Or, disturb myself? I chuckled at myself a second or two. (I do at least, crack myself up. Me and David Letterman almost always laugh at our own jokes!) Then, I spoke aloud. Relationships are a lot of work; A lot of hard work. Even, to have one with oneself. I like to believe I am a self-aware, assertive, down to earth and kindhearted woman. When, in all reality I can be restless for no reason. Last night, I could not calm down and felt there was something I craved. There was something I wanted; And, for whatever reason I couldn't find nor figure out what it was.
I don't know why I would think about the couple, man & woman unit now. Since, my dad passed away; Who, was the only man in my life forever. I guess, I feel maybe it is time to think about it. He was the man, who was my stand-in date for company functions. Perhaps, it is on my brain because I dreamed about a wedding last night. It was an odd dream. But, most dreams are, odd and strange by their very nature.

In the dream the wedding party afterward people kept breaking glass? There were two girls with the same name as me, Who were real drunk. There was a bridesmaid who was standing on a porch balcony thing, tossing the bouquets onto this large expansive green lush lawn for the ladies. And, there was one group of little girls on one side; And, the grown women on a whole other side for the grown up bouquet? I came around a corner in time, to see she was tossing a bouquet. I ran down the short stairway; But, she'd already tossed the bouquet. I missed it! Rats!
She had a tray of cookies (told you it was weird.) and, was going to toss it for the young girls. She did, I got all excited, and was screaming and running to get cookies? I was the only one; Till, the ladies saw it was just me, then they decided they wanted some too? Somehow smoked salmon came into the dream; I didn't see it, I heard about it, in my dream and went in search of it? Weird. It must have been what I was hungry for last night. 'Cuz I woke up satisfied. What the old Indians call "Fish hungry."

Uhhh tangent. Anyway, back to couples, relationships, love and friendship. Over the years what I think, I want in a man has changed. Right now, at this stage of my life I think I'd be quite happy to have a man read to me. Since, I am so obsessed with almost all things literature now. I love to read poetry; And, used to write a lot of it. None of it any good, I've not ever thought. I used to think I'd like someone who believed different than me. But, I am intertwined with what I believe that I don't know if I could truly be with some poor sap of a man who is opposite of me.
I get moody, and sad easily. I was sitting on the street a few days ago waiting for a bus to take me to campus. I love to watch people for those flash human person people moments. From behind came two blind men, One leading the other. I could hear their long white-red tipped blind canes...as they swished side to side and tap tap tap tap swish announced they were coming. The two men walked passed, and it stabbed me right in the heart. To see, such vulnerability. They Stood, walked and supported each another.
They had each other's back.
You know, I guess a little vulnerability and weakness is what it takes to find, be and make a team of people. To trust in one another; And, let those blind spots be covered by someone else.
My dad was the only man who knew of such vulnerabilities. I called him crying and sobbing like a baby when Michael Jackson died. He was the only one to know me well enough to not think I was too crazy, Too insane or wacky or whatever.

It takes time, effort and devotion to get to the comfort of those relationships. Perhaps, not too much, for me and my dad. He had to love me, It was the law. I was his daughter. And, I naturally loved him.

But, perhaps when there is the certain type of friendship, trust and love it does not seem like it is, work. If someone you are enamored with bothers you, Than maybe you don't like them as much as you thought you did. I don't know; I do know. Now, that my academic world is slowing down a little bit. I have stopped a moment or two to think about my dad. Which, leads to other thoughts. More than any of this stuff, I miss him having my back. One day, I'll have the type of companionship, friendship, adoration and love he had always hoped and wanted for me. It is what every person craves, desires and needs most. Some folks are just better equipped and prepared for it, maybe.
Some people are better at it, than others. I reckon.

My weird literature instructor and I talked a little yesterday. I told her I'd registered for the Shakespeare lit. class and was looking forward to it. She told me the best thing to do is to read together with a friend. I looked at her and laughed that she would say something so funny to me, right now. I replied "I Don't have friends?" She just said (Like, it is an easy thing to do.) "Well get one."

Here's to the people who've got your back; Good friends and the poor friend I rope in, to reading Shakespeare with me. I laugh.