One Woman

It is official; I am a one woman, blogger. Yeah, I had a good-solid-core group of friends where I blogged at last. However, I am insane right now. There's been a great and grave change in my life; MY dad died Jan. 12. I'm still in college, at least and moving along in life, as one should. Albeit, I am a changed woman, a different person, a stranger unto myself. I bury my head into my school-work as much as I can; And, avoid conversations with people, If I can help it. I've begun to have imaginary conversations with my dad, In my head, Like he is an angel sitting on my shoulder. Which, is actually worse, because at least when he was alive he didn't ALWAYS know what I was up to. Not, that I was dealing drugs, or selling my body for cheap thrills. I just felt an accorded sense of privacy.

Now, since, I think of him as being outside of space and time, and on the highway to heaven...the midnight train to....and, so on and so forth. He knows, and oversees my everyday life. How sad, and boring could that possibly be?

Yeah, my imagination, took off a little with that idea; As, I'm sure, my dad moved heaven and earth in his death to get to our mother. She died 11 years before he did; And, it was the most painful thing for him, Ever. He used to tell me stories, how after our mom died, he would sit up at the edge of the bed, In the nighttime darkness to wait for our mother to come to see him.

I left, this other blogging place I was at for years; I know, you're not supposed to make changes when in mourning stages. But, I had just had it. What kind of world do we live in? That is so disposable? That such an emotion and intimacy with people in reading and writing blogs, Could just be tossed out, hucked out the proverbial window? I had built a need, in that blogging place to have attention, to have my friends read what I wrote; And, to answer me. There were a lot of my wacky friends; Who loved to come by to read and converse with me.

But, I just needed it, too much. Is that possible? The writing and the posting had lost what it I had originally intended it to mean; In them, my audience. I had a set audience and lost my creative notions. In a drunken haze and stupor I just deleted as many posts as I could; And, canceled the account; To never look back. It felt sad at first; And, a little lonely then, kind of freeing. Maybe, it was what we all needed. Ah, I don't reckon, it matters none. It's done and over with. No use in crying over spilled chocolate milk. Maybe this posting place, is the one for me? Maybe, this blogging relationship will last? Maybe, Blogger, is 'The One.'