Talked in his sleep.

Is it really, truly the final goal of a relationship between a man and a woman to be in bed with one another? Naked, exposing those sensitive body parts each has? Saturday night, while trying to lull myself off to dreamland I let the faces of the many men who I'd had some kind of relations with, In one fashion or another. Some were friends, Some men were just white-hot-animal attraction short lived affairs. A poor sap of a man who wasn't any good at any of the physical parts of the liaison was only around. Because, I couldn't seem to get rid of him! He wouldn't take the hint. As I saw their faces, I began to compile a list of their names......It was like counting sheep! Surely, I am kidding. I am not a Ho. I would venture to say there is one man whom I still adore and he and I are still friends even now. Out of the entire list, there is one man. We'd been friends for about five years, before any notion of being attracted to one another ever came to light. It was hard, and difficult for us to be and remain just friends. He is a married man; And, his wife was very smart. Whenever she knew I was around, although he and I went to great lengths to not be 'open' about what we felt, or knew of how we adored, needed and wanted each other, she would make her brother keep an eye on her husband. I thought, that was very smart. The only way she could have known something as intimate, as what he and I shared was if he talked in his sleep.
As, our circle of friends kept our secret as if life depended on it.
I don't think, it is a physical relationship that keeps two people intertwined, and on each other's mind, and in each other's hearts. There has to be a lot more to it. I am unattached, any more, to any poor man. I fall in and out of love, regularly. It cannot be love, but maybe a quick short burst of like, attraction.....Maybe even, desire. Just a basic, carnal, animal desire. It is funny, how a man and a woman can not even have talked to one another and still there is something electric between them.
I went to the Holy Mass, this a.m., where I was also a lector. There is a very handsome man I noticed right away when beginning to go to this new parish....Over this time, we exchange glances, and looks. He reminds me of my one friend, in that he is handsome, he is an artist and he is sensual...something about him makes me want to touch him. I know, it's mutual. One morning I walked into the church, a lady who sits a row ahead of me, far over to my right side, was sort of standing-watching-listening....the choir was practicing...I walked in, dipped my fingers into the Holy water font, and headed to my usual accustomed seat....Something about it caught his attention; Out of the side of my eye I seen her notice how his face changed to look in my direction....she followed his gaze, till her eyes rested on my face....It sounds like it took a long time. When in all reality it took maybe a minute, or two....I got to my seat...knelt down in the pew...and, she smiled a knowing smile and continued to look at me...because he had looked at me with some kind of certain gaze.....I guess, it is nice, to be wanted. But, could it be nicer
to
want?
Should one just want to touch, feel and be with another in a physically intimate way? Should it be a meeting of the bodies? Or, more of a meeting of minds, of hearts, of soul's and spirits. The body is stupid, it will react to physical stimulation.....it knows nothing different. The heart, the mind and the spirit cannot be fooled so easily I don't think....While in literature last week we began to talk about the author of our newest read, Lolita. I brought up how the HH character doesn't know women. He doesn't have the normal set of wants, and desires for women that a man should have. The professor said something so stupid, and ridiculous I couldn't believe it. She said, 'He was married. He got married.' I responded without even looking at her, 'That doesn't mean anything. Just because a man get's married doesn't mean he knows women?'
My own interactions with men; I know, I am far off from knowing anything about nothing. I wonder how the world would be, how relationships would be if our minds had to relate, Our hearts had to relate more than our bodies? What if the need to know, understand and be there for one another was primary over the dumb old needs of the body? I am grateful for my one manfriend; Our minds, and hearts did know one another before our bodies even knew what was going on. So, it can be done. It is the fact, he and I were friends, who have similar values and outlooks and hungers for life that drew us together...and, the natural progression did not harm us...in the beginning or in the end of the physical part of it.....I know, if I were home, we might still love one another....
Like, we are not supposed to.